she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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