I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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