last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
