i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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