Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
