Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
