they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
