well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
