So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
