At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
