I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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