We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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