what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
