Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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