im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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