Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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