Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
