the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need to sanitize my soul.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize