Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
