Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
