i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
