Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
