i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
