That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo