Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
