Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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