Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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