I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
