i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
