dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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