shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
