So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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