She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me