Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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