Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
