so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
