Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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