for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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