Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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