I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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