Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
