We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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