why didn't you poke me back
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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