He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
