She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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