I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
