I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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