I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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