and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
