I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
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when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
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I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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