I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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