I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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