2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
