Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
