I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
