I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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