i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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