FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize